November 1, 2013
Wow … I’ve realized something big, I think.
My personal life just got dragged through the gutter. Not my family … everything is okay there, but I just sold a house. A BIG house. An amazing work of art house. A beloved place of many years filled with love, laughter, friends and family. Big celebrations occurred there, dozens and dozens of concerts in the home and hundreds of ensemble rehearsals and private lessons, not to mention the music that was birthed and created there. Music reverberates throughout this house, the walls vibrate, the air vibrates and the neighbors are probably vibrating too! Every conceivable instrument has been played in this house. Besides all sizes of harps, my husband’s Baldwin Concert grand piano, cellos, violas, violins, lot’s and lot’s of flutes, basses, drums, all woodwinds, and even shakuhachi, bandoneon, vibraphone, all kinds of drums and percussion instruments and even singing bowls, bells, trombones, saxophones, French horns and trumpets. Then of course I can’t leave out the singers … soprano, alto, tenor and bass, singing art songs, classical and baroque, opera, pop and jazz. I mean, really, this house is so connected to the universe it’s floating!
So imagine, when I go to sell it, people come out of the atmosphere all wanting a piece of it somehow. We had many offers, too many signed purchase agreements, and much bad advice. Mean advice. So there was suddenly dis-chord, arguments and harsh words about us, our home and even about who we were as people. It got ugly. Not the pleasant harmony of music making that had been here for 22 years. How gut wrenching, disappointing and extremely upsetting.
Still, in the middle of all of that I tried to maintain two things, my personal practice of both harp and yoga, and my personal relationship with my husband. Both crucial when going through such angst-ridden days. Everyday, we asked ourselves, why. What happened, what did we do wrong? I still am not sure, but one lesson learned is a lesson of the heart. We did not follow our hearts, we did not follow what we felt to be our truth. We allowed ourselves to be swayed and talked into things by others, that at a gut level we knew weren’t right. We weren’t sure of ourselves, our path and so thought what we were doing was the correct thing, only to find out in almost every case, it was wrong. What we had felt, we did not follow.
But this is hard to do when emotions are high and one has attachments. Exactly the thing yoga tells us to avoid. So the message of the heart is lost and difficult to hear. The vibrations are distant and sometimes not there at all. But practicing and teaching everyday, both harp and yoga kept me on track. Having to dig deep to continue to teach daily while all around was chaos allowed me to find the ultimate message of the heart. When all else falls away, there is only one message, one truth. It is me … I am the truth. It resides within me and I can access it through experience and seeking. Life itself is the practice. I actually did nothing wrong in this situation … it was still me doing the best that I knew how and who knows, without the many teachings of yoga and the depth of my musical practice during this time, it might have been a lot worse.
And the best part of all of this … ?
I get to walk away from all the trappings a big beautiful home brings with it … the attachments of things, of owning stuff, and maintaining stuff … as I move to a small apartment in another beautiful neighborhood with nature all around me.
And the real truth? The big realization? It’s that the music goes with me, is still in me and will vibrate as me forever …